When you’re a first-time parent, you are often told that if your baby cries, it’s because of one of five reasons. They are either hungry, tired, too hot/cold, colicy, or need a diaper change. You can basically scan through all of these to find out what’s wrong and calm the baby. However, what I quickly found out about my first child, is that while she cried for all kinds of reasons, including many that were not on the list (wanting to be held upright, motion sickness, loud noises, being put down to sleep) the one thing that didn’t bother her, was to sit in her own warm poop. She never cried because she needed a diaper change.

The dirty diaper is safe

Our brains’ main task is to keep us alive, and for that, they try to ensure our environment is safe and familiar. Unfortunately, they can’t tell the difference between what is familiar and what is actually good for us, and therefore often when we try to do something new, our brains perceive it as a threat, and try all kinds of tricks to keep us from doing this new and unfamiliar thing. Essentially, our brains prefer the poopy diaper. Even though it stinks, it is warm and familiar. And that’s how many of us go through life.

When my mother died, it struck me that she carried some of her issues with her for decades, and never managed to fully resolve them and set herself free. My commitment to myself, and to her, was to learn from her experience, and transform what has to change. As I already wrote, I felt that this was her message and her blessing to me in her passing. I think about this almost every day, especially when I have poopy diaper days, and feel like I have not broken away from old destructive habits. My own bane? Going to sleep on time.

Ever since I can remember myself, I never liked going to sleep early. 

Reading with a flashlight under the covers past bedtime and barely getting up for school? That was me. 

Starting homework at around 10 pm the day it was due and pulling an allnighter? My entire high school experience. 

Going out, talking on the phone, doing “research”, eating at 1 am, getting to work at 11 am? Still me, before kids of course. 

Sheltering in place plus Netflix???? Please don’t get me started. 

You’d think that after so many years of knowing how shitty I feel when I don’t get enough sleep, how I hate the circles under my eyes, and one Arianna Huffington later, I’d be smarter than this. But no, I’m not. My brain has seen me repeat this habit over and over again, and it recognizes it as safe and familiar. When I try to transform for the better, even for my own health!!! it still views the change as a danger, and works against me.

(Plus, I can’t shake the stigma that going to bed early is for babies and Boomers, and going to bed late is rock & roll. Here, I admitted it. I know. Sue me.)

How to change a mental poopy diaper

I already wrote about one method for habit change. But here I want to focus on one of the big roadblocks, which is being too overwhelmed emotionally to make a rational decision required for going through with the new habit.

How do I feel when our home finally clams down after the kids go to sleep? (always way too late, of course, they’re my kids, duh)

• Exasperated
• Bitchy
• Resentful
• Self-righteous

My normal way of dealing with this is “taking time to wind down”, i.e. spending about 2-4 hours on mind numbing activities (oh, Netflix, I do love you so!)

However, a much better way is to first really acknowledge and release how I’m feeling, so that I can actually make a decision about what to do next, and not be a little automaton ruled by emotion and habit.

Feel your (shitty?) feelings 

Take a few deep breaths. You can do this in a 4-seconds-inhale, 4-seconds-exhale rhythm, or just naturally. I like Marie Forleo’s suggestion of breathing while placing your hand on your chest, above your heart. The hand placement enhance the calming effect of the breathing process, and its ability to reduce stress hormones in the body. Now:

1. Ask yourself how you’re feeling. 
2. Locate the feeling in your body. Is it a heavy feeling in your chest? A tightness in your stomach? A lump in your throat?
3. To help you focus on the feeling, ask yourself what color is it? What shape or material? Stay with it, breathing and experiencing the feeling for a few breaths.
4. At this point, you may realize that the feeling has passed, or you can shake it off physically, in whatever way feels comfortable. Shake your body, clench and release your fists, rub your skin, jump around.

How do you feel now? What are you able to do now? 

Can we take this warm poopy diaper off now and replace it with a clean one?

Let me know 🙂

Here is a great video from the Conscious Leadership Group on how to feel your feelings: