Hyper-focused. Concentrated. Working.

How do my kids interpret this scene?

“I am 100% available to you now, darling, and you have my full attention!”

They think that this is me:

How? What?? Aren’t there subtle visual and emotional cues that are supposed to hint to them that I am working??

From speaking to other friends, if boundaries have always been a challenge for working moms, then COVID has eradicated them altogether.

My kids are no saints, but they’re not exceptionally rude or inconsiderate. I am constantly shocked at how this particular issue — availability to their needs — seems to pass any normal filter in their minds.

A recent story from my best friend, a mother of 2 kids, is a great example. She came home from work one evening, and went into the shower. My friend’s 11 year old daughter was in her room, and her husband, who also returned from work, was in the living room. As she’s shampooing her hair, she hears her 8 year old son shouting something from outside. She could barely hear him over the water, so she turned if off. “What do you want?” she shouted back.

“Mommy, could you wash and cut an apple for me?”

What the what???!?!?!???!!!!

First, she told him he can wash the apple himself, and eat it without cutting it. Second, she said, if he really wants it cut, his sister and father are perfectly capable of helping him.

This is a very bright child, I assure you! Both his parents work in high-profile jobs, and maintain an egalitarian, loving household. He has seen his father perform every household and childcare task as often as he’s seen his mother.  And yet, in his mind, his showering mom is somehow more readily available to help him, than his dad sitting on the couch.

Melinda Gates said in the 2020 Forbes Power Women Summit that equality for women must start at home, with our partners and children. Yet if blind spots such as the apple scene can happen in very egalitarian households, and judging from friends’ experiences, also in single-mom homes, then how can we expect to create the space and focus needed for productive work?

My husband, lucky for him, is more often in Zoom meetings which require him to talk a lot, and so the kids have learned to respect his non-availability a little more.

These are challenging times, because unlike the apple story, kids often need real, timely help – especially with remote learning –  while we’re working.

It appears that in heterosexual households, moms, dads, and kids, easily slip back into “traditional” responsibilities of childcare and housework. Much of the pandemic related research so far has been that while men have obviously spent more time at home and contributed more, mothers faced higher job insecurity and have been taking on more than their fair share of the increased housework and childcare. (See for example, the effects on women in academia, or this global overview.)

Interestingly, a recent study comparing US and Australian households found that in Australia, men made longer lasting changes in their roles, and took upon themselves more of the responsibilities at home than their US counterparts.

Spending more time together as families and restructuring that time is both a burden and an opportunity. 

Let’s use this as an opportunity. To shake things up a bit, I decided to ignore the gender issue and start with my children, focusing on boundaries.  Since burnout can result from poor boundaries, this is an important issue to work on for anyone who deals with increased stress, COVID-related or not.

We started with a simple exercise in interpreting reality: earphones mean that I’m not available. Make me remove them only if you have a very time-dependent need, AND if you can’t resolve the issue using a sibling, friend or other resource.

So far, it seems to help.

If you have more tactics for creating boundaries without shunning or alienating your kids – please comment/hit reply and let me know!

PS: After we resolve children’s boundaries together, we have to work on my cat’s despicable habit to sit on my laptop while I’m typing. She doesn’t care whether I have my earphones on or not. Urg!