How was your week? Did you get a lot done? I got a lot done, but made almost no progress. (Again. What?? WTF?)
Every Sunday I write down my three major goals for the coming week. Usually most or all of them have to do with work. My work, the work I want to do, where progress makes me happy, proud and fullfilled. But as you already know, I wear many other hats, and you probably do as well. For me, it’s the family hat that I am most conflicted about, in terms of keeping my priorities straight.
So obviously, to get stuff done and not drive myself insane, I must prioritize like a pro. You must have heard since forever that to achieve your goals, you must categorize your tasks, and work on the important ones first. I believe that the most common categorization method is the Eisenhower Matrix, or urgent-important matrix.
Urgent vs. Important
Here’s a quick explanation of the matrix, if you’ve been lucky enough to avoid it so far.
[[If, like me, well-meaning bosses have force-fed you this concept, blame Stephen Covey. Covey popularized the matrix in his best-selling book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (still on my reading list…)]]
Create a quadrant matrix with two axes:
- Important vs. Unimportant
- Urgent vs. Not Urgent
All your day-to-day tasks and bigger projects will fall into one of these four quadrants:
-
Urgent & Important tasks/projects – complete immediately
-
Not Urgent & Important tasks/projects – schedule on your calendar
-
Urgent & Unimportant tasks/projects – busy work – delegate to someone else
-
Not Urgent & Unimportant tasks/projects – delete
You might be asking yourself:
And you’re right! Since the important tasks lead to your goals, your success depends on dedicating time to them. Spending too long in the urgent side of the matrix leads to burnout, because you’re constantly in crisis mode.
Note, though, that of the important tasks, it’s the non-urgent and imporant ones that contribute most to self-development and achievement. Writing a book, planning your next career move, developing a new hobby. A good way to differentiate between important and unimportant tasks is that important ones require your talent and attention. They are difficult to delegate. Unimportant tasks don’t require your particular skills.
My issue is with the urgent and important quadrant.
Important to whom?
My main insight from using this matrix is that the vast majority of my urgent/important tasks are not mine. The important/non-urgent tasks are all mine. My work, or projects that are important to me. Yet when looking at my always-too-long list of urgent and important tasks, I must ask, important to whom?
Doctor’s appointments, birthday parties, lawyer meetings, paying bills… I am constantly doing, calling, scheduling appointments, running errands, filling out forms, buying stuff, remembering, reminding, arranging and orchestrating, for both older and younger members of my family. If they were independent, they could manage these tasks on their own.
Not feeling like a victim
Obviously, there can be great satisfaction and joy in caring for loved ones, but I think that there’s a strong societal expectation to deny that it can get to be too much. This expectation makes me feel stuck and resentful. Does spending too much time on caretaking tasks make you feel bitter sometimes, a victim of circumstance?
If so, you probably agree that it’s both a time management issue, as well as an emotional resilience issue.
I’m developing a full guide for handling the urgent/important-to-someone-else quadrant. (Temporary name: The Bitterness Project…) If you have requests or suggestions for the guide, please comment/reply! But until it’s ready, let me share my best tip for not feeling like a victim:
Silent Screaming
Actual screaming is great for stress relief, and Scream Therapy is a thing. (Do you love the show “This Is Us”? It has an incredibly powerful screaming scene. You can see the scream itself at 2:30 minutes in the clip.)
If you can create the conditions to actually scream your heart out, definitely go for it. For me, it’s a challenge, and I’m sure it’s been almost impossible for many since COVID. In this case, some people recommend screaming into a pillow, but I really don’t like it. It makes me feel stifled. Instead, I recommend silent screaming. This does not mean imagining yourself screaming. It means doing everything you’d do screaming: contract your stomach, make a face, open your mouth, let the air out, but without sound. It should feel very much like screaming for real.
I add kicking and punching in the air. If having to support someone else makes me feel bitter, I imagine them… Feel very much like Homer Simpson strangling Bart, but it helps!
After a session like this, I’m more in my power. I can look at the higher value (being a good parent, supportive daughter) and feel more in control. The calming and focusing effects also help get the task done faster.
Try it!
If you want to talk about spending your life in the wrong quadrant and what you can do, hit reply, or schedule a free call!
PS – For a more detailed explanation and tutorial of the Eisenhower Matrix, click here.
Photo credit: Both photos by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
Edited with Canva. Use my referral link and get a free premium element 🙂
This is a really timely topic, as usual, Shlomit. Thank you…ahhhhhhhhh!
Shlomit, I love your humor and how you really get right into the crux and depth of the issue!!! In our culture, other people’s urgent especially gets prioritized for women! Women are expected to take on the lion’s share of the care for family and general support of others. And meeting the genuine needs of dependent children and elders is a huge service to humanity. Any way to share the wealth with brothers and husbands? I think if one is at a stage in life where these needs are intense, it helps if one can still find a way to prioritize SOME time for things that are IMPORTANT but not urgent for YOU! Don’t feel guilty asking others for help with this when possible. Meanwhile, the Silent Scream sounds like a good way to go!!!
These are such great questions to habitually reflect on and take into consideration. The tyranny of the urgent (especially other people’s urgent “needs”) can be a huge time/energy suck. Instead of saying, “I don’t have time for that” I’ve started saying, “That’s not a priority use of my time” – it’s a more direct way of conveying boundaries. Of course, when someone else is in a tailspin, I will first acknowledge their feelings because no one wants to feel unheard!
You know what your comment made me realize? That helping someone else can be more immediately gratifying than working on my own stuff. Maybe other people might find it to be difficult to set boundaries, when they’re actually drawn to do the “other” stuff. Hmm…
Love this question: “important to whom?”
Asking it can be such an eye-opening question indeed! Especially with one’s family. Loved this article, as I do them all, Shlomit!
man, to be in a place where I could easily sort out that quadrant. I am not good at breaking things down at all. It’s why I hired, in theory, an assistant. Hasn’t gone that way yet but hope springs eternal.
Great use of the Eisenhower Matrix! I’m interested in exploring how I can use this with my partner. Sometimes I view her requests as High Importance-High Urgency by the way she communicates it when in fact it’s Low Urgency or Low Importance. And your point about falling into the victim-trap is right on! Definitely something I need to keep an eye on.
A lifetime of this. My interest in acting selflessly has made it clear that you still need a self or you become a doormat and yes the resentment builds! Love this thought exercise.
I had a dream last night that was all about this. We were on vacation with family and supposed to move out of the rental place and I was madly doing all the cleaning and packing while everyone was basically sitting around, and I thought, OMG! Look what I have set up, have trained in the people around me because I’m such a caretaker. Hahaha.
That aside, I do use the matrix ALL THE TIME. One choice I make though is that helping family is priority. Not always urgent, but often it is, but family is my #1 priority, so I’ve set up a work/life schedule that allows for me to help them and not get totally stressed because of the time it takes. I know I’m fortunate to do this.
Fantastic article – thank you!
Stress lives in the body! Any way you can get it out it a win. I’m a walker and talker but I might try a scream or two…
Oh, I love your writing. It’s so REAL and I so RELATE! Yes, it is remarkably time and energy sucking to make the appointments but then also remind people they have the appointments or have to take them there. Ugh! I have no prescriptions or advice on this as the struggle is real and ongoing…and yes, takes away from the ‘important, not urgent’ work I WANT to do. I try and protect even a few hours a week…and my kids are older, but still. It feels sometimes like I have all the answer to all life’s problems, and am the only one who actually knows how to use the phone to make appointment. Sigh.
Oh Shlomit, you always speak right to where I am. I tried the silent scream techinique as I was reading! There is SO MUCH to do, and other people’s “urgent” steps on my “important” All The Time.