The book is sweet, but I didn’t find it particularly inspiring. I did, however, like the title metaphor.
Hatcher asks, what do you do when you burn a toast?
“Are you the kind of person who tries to scrape off the black? Or do you smother it with jam to hide the taste? Do you throw it away, or do you just eat it? If you shrug and eat the toast, is it because you’re willing to settle for less? Maybe you don’t want to be wasteful, but if you go ahead and eat that blackened square of bread, then what you’re really saying — to yourself and to the world — is that the piece of bread is worth more than your own satisfaction.”
This is something I struggle with a lot.
Throwing away food is a particular issue for me. As children, my parents grew up with very limited food, so that was a big no-no in our household. My brother, who was a picky eater, wouldn’t finish the food off his plate, and then my parents would eat his leftovers or offer them to me.
Were you allowed to throw away food as a child?
For me, this morphed into an environmental issue. I am deeply troubled by the effort and energy that goes into growing and delivering food. If I let it go to waste, I feel extremely guilty. I am a master of making food with tired ingredients, somewhat past their sell-by date. My husband thinks I’m insane, but no one ever got an upset stomach from something I cooked! 🙂
I even have a method for saving burnt toast! I use a hand-held grater to scrape off the charred parts, and the toast is as good as new. It’s most useful when you promise your kids toast and burn the last pieces of bread in the house. No replacement possible, just scraping…
But truth be told, usually the problem isn’t toast. It’s eating leftovers that I don’t want to throw away, even though I don’t feel like it, and would rather prepare something fresh.
I call this “mercy eating”.
On the one hand, it’s something I can stand behind. Not throwing away food is environmentally responsible, it’s more economical. And to be honest, cooking with odd ingredients languishing in the fridge, give me a little creative win that feels satisfying.
On the other hand, it’s telling yourself that the little piece of bread, the wrinkled tomato, the leftover rice, are more important than your time and your desires.
For me, mercy eating is not even the worst of it. That’s between me and the food, and I can tell myself that the nutrients go back into mother nature’s cycle or something. (Cough, bullshit, cough… I know my municipality doesn’t separate it and it goes landfill, creating methane as it rots, but whatever. It’s an internal struggle.) That notion of deserving less and having to put yourself last can become a habit of parenting. It can also become habitual in a toxic work environment. It can happen in relationships.
Culturally, we often call people selfish and spoiled when they prioritize themselves. This creates a powerful expectation to be a martyr, especially for women.
Settling for less and putting yourself last are precursors to feeling overwhelmed. Of course it’s ok to shift priorities and do things for others (or the environment) before you take care of yourself, if your choices make you feel good. This is a question of balance and proportions.
What are your actions telling you? How often are you ignoring your own needs for the needs of others?
Try a little exercise. Take a piece of paper and create 3 columns.
- In one column, write down a list of the major things you did today.
- In another column, write down who they were for (you, kid, spouse, work, household, charity, mother earth…)
- In the last column, write down how it made you feel.
For example, I don’t love cooking. I feel especially frustrated when my kids don’t like what I make. (And no, it’s not because the vegetables are a week old. It’s because they’re picky brats!) So that’s a task that usually makes me feel undervalued and annoyed, and that’s what I’d write down.
What does the third column look like? Look at the overall trend. How are things balancing out for you? If most of what you’re doing during the day is frustrating and draining, you should watch out. You might be heading toward burnout.
If you want to talk about this, either email me or schedule a free coaching call. Find a convenient time slot here.
PS – Check out an excerpt of the “Burnt Toast” book here: https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Books/story?id=1922877&page=1
PPS – Do you know Greek?? If “mercy killing” is Euthanasia, what’s “mercy eating”? Maybe Eutrofia? I’m trying to brand this thing… 🙂
(from Greek: εὐθανασία; “good death”: εὖ, eu; “well” or “good” + θάνατος, thanatos; “death”)
Toast photo by Mishaal Zahed on Unsplash
What a thought-provoking article Shlomit! I grew up in different worlds, one was very poor where we couldn’t afford milk, the other the opposite, and a stint in an orphanage, so it really made me stop and think about my relationship to food in the way you describe. I will tell you that the fridge is always well-stocked. I know where that comes from. And I find food is a way to nourish and often practice “metta” when I am preparing for my family. The only thing I would add is that where I live they do composting that the garbage men pick up. I had no idea how much food I was wasting until I started doing that a couple of years ago. Probably not as good as trying to ingest the older leftovers, but it does ease my conscious a bit.
Totally agree about composting! As I wrote to Viola, I haven’t found the right technical solution yet, but I will.
I was really interested in this product, https://wlabsinnovations.com/products/zera-food-recycler, but I’m not sure it was ever really a viable product. Started out as a crowdsourcing idea, I’m not sure if it has matured into the real deal.
Hi Shlomit, thanks for this post. I agree, the wisdom is in the balance. We can’t think of ourselves first all the time, but we can add our own wants and needs to the mix and make sure we are taking care of ourselves as well as others. I’ve been known to scrape off burnt toast and eat it, and yesterday, I gave my son the last homemade chocolate chip cookie. He’d forgotten it was there so I totally could have eaten it myself but a) I don’t need a cookie right after breakfast and b) I love him!
Love this! I come from a parent who also never throws out food despite it growing new friends ;). She just ‘cuts out’ the friends (i.e. typically mold) and continues with her food prep. Ay! Drives me nuts, but this scarcity mindset around food passed on to me. I think of it this way, for those of us who’ve never had to go without food because we couldn’t afford it, we are an incredibly fortunate group of people. I therefore feel the need to show gratitude for my privilege by staying mindful of the foods I do buy, keeping track of it so it doesn’t go bad and using all of it. That can be a lot of work for some, especially large families…
Absolutely! I totally agree with you.
Personally, I’d feel a lot better if I could at least compost some of the raw leftovers or friendly vegetables… 😀 We had a couple of composters in the neigborhood that weren’t probably cared for and full of roaches… So I hesitate setting up my own on my balcony. I’ll get there at some point.
Food is so emotional for people who had to go without, especially as children, and they inadvertantly pass it along to their own kids. I know I’ve messed up my kids some already. Hopefully I can still show a better example!
Great analogy! It made me think (the burned toast is so recognizable – and yes, I’ve done the things you outline.
But then to the broader message – Love the reflection tips you give to see how much of your time you are well using, on who and how it makes you feel.
The part about ‘how did I feel’ I regularly reflect on – the part on ‘who did it for’ not so much. Valuable.
Ah, I love the idea of the three columns. I feel like I have gotten better about doing things for myself in the last five years or so, but I always need to boost that self-awareness.
I will eat food at a restaurant that I don’t want because I feel like the wait staff will care. OMG – can you imagine how LITTLE they care?!?! I don’t know when this pattern started but if I don’t look for it consciously, I’ll find myself choking things down that I just don’t want.
And yeah, HUGE metaphor for me right now. I do things to please other people who just don’t really care and are not at all tuned in to what I’m doing. Ick.
You have awareness, you’re halfway there! Now just throw away that food or metaphorical toast. I’m rooting for you!!
“That notion of deserving less and having to put yourself last can become a habit of parenting. It can also become habitual in a toxic work environment. It can happen in relationships.” This is the crux of so much. With cooking my child is old enough and I have parsed out cooking dinner. This took some ‘training’ and guidance beforehand but now Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday other family members are cooking… yeah!
On the food front, we do best in terms of the environmental impact when we have a plan for what we will cook. If we don’t, we’re a disaster – spending money on take-out and doubling the disaster by throwing away food. Yikes! On the personal front, I color code my planner – orange represents things I guess I’m doing for myself – reading, walking, yoga, exercise. It gives me a visual clue that I’m taking care of myself. Pink is for personal/family/cooking/cleaning/all other things rest & relaxation so I need to see a good bit of that as well.
On the toast front, I don’t mind burnt toast…for real.
🙂 I know lots of people who like various foods burnt! I like various tomato sauces that can caramelize really nicely when overcooked…
I LOVE your planner color-coding! I color code mine, but mostly by medium of communication (phone/zoom, outside meeting) or importance. I might change my system to be more like yours!
Wow, what a great metaphor and thought-provoking prompts. My husband is definitely a mercy eater and I have guilt when I waste food. But I also am committed to my health – overeating or eating things that don’t agree with me isn’t a worthwhile sacrifice.
I’ll have to give more thought to these prompts, thanks for sharing!
This is a great metaphor, and definitely something to really think about. I still have issues with throwing away food, for sure.