In phase two, I had quit my job and hoped that everything would miraculously change. The sky would open, angels would sing, I’d be fit, find my calling, and be a perfect mom to boot. I’m sure this is a shock to you, but that didn’t quite happen… 😀 I found out that I was just as miserable at home as I was at work, and while I had more time for myself, it was far less than I had envisioned, and I was still feeling rushed and constantly under-performing. One thing that did change was that the kids were doing much better once I was physically more present at home. But clearly not as well as they could have been doing if I were actually happy to be there.
Then I started my own consulting business, and like other business owners, sometimes felt compelled to take on projects I wasn’t 100% excited about. I was about to start one such project – big client, lots of responsibility, one that could completely take over my life and shatter what little balance I had going – when my mother unexpectedly died. I had to cancel the project, and through the shock and overwhelming grief, I also felt a sense of freedom. I kept telling myself, if there’s one thing my mother would want to give me, in her life as well as in her death, it’s most certainly freedom. Figure on what’s going on with you now, and how this sudden change in priorities released you from so much that wasn’t really important and weighed you down, and continue doing it when your life goes back into its new routine. i asked myself, what lessons can I learn from her life and death and be more free?
The priorities game is an obvious one, and very difficult to master once people stop giving you the grace of a time of mourning. It has two aspects: (1) what you actually do and don’t do, and (2) how you feel about it. And in my opinion, the latter is the important one. The other thing that I tried to do was determine in what aspects of her life my mother herself was not free. What issues and insecurities plagues and undermined her till her very last day? I know I was similar to her in many ways, and mirrored many of those issues, and I was determined to free myself from them as soon as possible.
Many recurring negative thoughts are a way for our brain to keep us in the same familiar situation, whether we enjoy it or not. It’s familiar, so as far as our brains are concerned, it’s safe. I tried different approaches, and it’s always an ongoing journey, but I’ve collected many useful tips along the way, which I will share.
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