Do you ever feel like you’re getting choked up more often, and it’s harder to keep the tears inside?
I’ll tell you what does it for me: certain memories of my late mother, songs from my childhood, moving historical events (e.g. JFK murder, space shuttle explosion, D-Day… I go big!) and the most embarrassing of all – sentimental commercials. The last one is pathetic, I know.
As adults, society pushes us hard not to cry in public, maybe just a little photogenic tear that you can wipe without smearing your mascara. And even children are encouraged to be brave and not cry, but crying actually had a very important role in our emotional well-being. In the fantastic book “Listen“, which describes the hand-in-hand parenting approach, the authors explain that crying releases built-up emotions that are preventing us from thinking clearly and responding more rationally. While young kids are able to use this pressure-release valve, we need to create situations where we can really cry our hearts out, screaming and wailing if necessary, to have that kind of relief.
My therapist recommended to me to find a time when I’m alone at home and wouldn’t be disturbed, to first shut the windows so the neighbors won’t call the police, and then get under the covers in a fetal position, put on some music that I find moving, and just let the tears flow. For a while, I had a hard time even trying this, because I was afraid that if I started crying, really crying, I’d just cry and cry and never stop. So allow yourself enough time to not feel pressured, and rest assured that it will stop.
I know that if you have young kids, your lifestyle might be such that you’re never alone at home, and it’s a real challenge. There are two opposite approaches to this:
- Be creative about creating alone-time. Ask a family member or friend to take the kids for ice cream or to the park. Drive somewhere out in nature where you’ll be absolutely alone. Have someone else be with the kids in the house, explain that you must not be disturbed, and put the music on loud enough that they hear it and not the crying.
- Explain to your family members how important it is to have time to be sad, and that crying clears out our hearts so we have more room for happy feelings, and actually let them know that this is what you’re doing, and don’t worry about whether they hear you or not!
I have to admit I have not been brave enough to try the second approach myself, but I totally see what a role model I would be and what a great example this would serve to be open about real crying. My children have seen me cry politely (tears streaming down my face, sniffling, but no real sounds, no actual wailing…) and while they accept it are not super comfortable with it. Since I do have the privilege of working from home and properly crying in private, this is a challenge I need to take on intentionally. I promise to update!
Try it. Let me know how it felt, and how many cheesy commercials you were able to watch later with a smile…
Photo by Arwan Sutanto on Unsplash
In my work sometimes tears come up as clients are reflecting on things from the past, or fears they have about the future and they always apologize for it. I tell them that ‘crying is as natural as smiling, so no apologies. Just experience it, and I’m glad you’re comfortable enough with me to share those emotions.” I wonder what more I can do in our family to make sure that emotions are ok to experience and share.
Absolutely! I certainly need to be more open as well…
It’s indeed therapeutical – and it makes you feel human again. Shows we care and gives confirmation (at least to me) of what matters.
Powerful – though somehow (at least for me) odd to talk about. Man-stuff 🙂
Tougher for men than for women, for sure! “Stop crying like a little girl” right?
Wholeheartedly agree with you on this Shlomit! When my boys were little, I’d allow them a “3 minute vent” in which they could say all the nasty things that wanted to tumble out of their mouths (even curse words 😲). Inevitably if I gave them the time to do this, it would end in tears and the real problem they were dealing with underneath. On the flip side, when they were really little and I picked them up from school, I’d first hand them a favorite type of healthy food. I found many times they just hadn’t eaten enough at school b/c they wanted to play during breaks more than eat. They’d be emotional in the car, but if they immediately ate, it would calm and recalibrate them, so to speak. #momtips, right?!?
Right!! 🙂
And when the grow up, you still need to ensure they eat first, because hunger turns into anger… I wonder how many door slams by teens could have been avoided 😉
There are actual physiological benefits – ones that reduce stress – when we cry. It’s so funny that we misattribute the strength of creating a healthy state in the body as a weakness or something worthy of shame. No one makes it through life without hardships big and small. If the body wants a cry, deliver it.
Showers are good times for me to release the tears.
This has been a really important lesson for me personally, as I don’t cry easily and when I do it’s almost guaranteed to be happy (or at most bittersweet) tears. Understanding the physiological benefits has helped me embrace this as a necessary and important thing to do! Oh the sweet relief!
I have a weird ‘talent’…I can cry on cue. I am one who can cry at almost anything –and often does. I will admit though that I do try to stifle the tears when I’m in public or with someone I don’t know well. Crying isn’t acceptable behavior in most cultures and that’s a shame because it’s so human…
“So human” – yes!! You got me thinking, Viola, whether our ape relatives also have behaviors that are acceptable during childhood but avoided in adulthood. I’m sure they play less. But other than that?
Crying is truly therapeutic and cathartic. It comes with a lot of baggage – especially in masculine culture so I appreciate this reminder!
Ah! This makes me think of the times I have been going through my day, knowing that a cry is coming. For me, it usually happens in the car, when I’m alone. It’s happened enough times that I kind of look forward to it–I know I’ll feel great afterwards!
Using the car for privacy is a great tip. The car also has music, which can help…