In my work, I see time and again that people who manage to deal well with burnout are those who can set clear boundaries.
Thinking of burnout as a boundaries problem, it’s no surprise that I had to deal with it…
I was often shamed for being terrible with boundaries, both as a worker and as a parent. What can I say? It’s not in my nature. I’m a Four Tendencies Rebel, I dislike routine, and detest hierarchy. Had I known that parenting involves so much policing (and chores!) I might have passed. And worse, I don’t like telling anyone what to do, including myself.
To conflict avoiders, setting boundaries can seem aggressive. Big mistake! It’s a lifeline, and if you need to, be cunning… Find ways to set those boundaries, either secretly or using indisputable agruments.
Tip #1: The Secret Boundary
Remember that usually, no one knows exactly what your schedule is, how long your commute, etc.
Taking a break during your day, or between your “work shift” and your “home shift”, even if it’s 5 minutes, does wonders.
Want those 5 mintues? LIE.
A friend of mine used to rush out of the office (back when we had offices) yelling, “Byeeeee! Running late, see you tomorrow!” so no one would stop her with a question or request. She left early enough to grab a coffee outside her kid’s day care, and still not be the last parent at pickup.
Tip #2: The Indisputable Boundary
Depending on your environment, there are things that people around you respect. Doctor’s appointments. Funerals. A call with a teacher. Arriving on time to catch a flight. Whatever that may be for you, and the person you’re dealing with, use it.
For example, when I traveled with both my dad and my daughter, I found that they had more respect for each other’s needs than for mine. All I had to do was phrase my own needs (break, food) as the other person’s, and there would be no argument.
Schedule things that can’t shift. Explain your needs as other people’s requirements.
And, of course, feel free to lie about how early you need to leave to make it there… 😉
What are your best tricks for creating breaks and boundaries? Do share!
Photo by Erwan Hesry on Unsplash
Another piece that made me laugh out loud. I used to have a client that was late for every meeting or would not show up; and when she did show up – late – every meeting ran over. After a while I always had a ‘hard stop’ when the meeting was originally supposed to be over, often this was a lie. But it beat feeling like I was constantly being taken advantage of. More recently, I’ve started taking Saturdays off – completely – from all work. It helps.
Super useful tips Shlomit! I like the phrase that is something like, “Set the expectation of how you want to be treated.” That’s not quite it, but the idea is that if you don’t set that, then it will be ruled by either conditioning, habit, or the other.
I use the first boundary when people ask me about doing something costly that I don’t want to spend my money on – “sorry, not in the budget.” Even though I could spend the money, I have the money but it’s not worth it to me. And once I say I can’t, they don’t bother me any more about it – this was more of a thing pre-COVID BTW.
Creating space between work and home is really hard since I work from home….but I have a friend who would take a walk around the block – it was his commute. Brilliant!
I love this! I also work from home. I may need a similar commute… 😉
Brené Brown says boundaried people are generous people and I’ve found that to be true in my own life. When I set good boundaries, I’m free to offer whatever I can more fully in the moment, instead of worrying about how much I’ll “have to” give.
Great point!
Valuable points Shlomit. I recognize much of this – and you’re so right. Set boundaries – real or not.
We often want to look good for others – and then you get the opposite as a result. No one wins with that.
Thank you Shlomit!! I am definitely a person with time-boundary issues and your kind warning about how this can lead to burnout…really helpful to me right now. My immediate internal reaction was “I want a day off” …hmmm….
I can’t wait for the day when we DON’T have to be cunning. When, “I just don’t have it in me right now,” is okay. But until then…yes!
A couple of tactics – schedule further out than your earliest available appointment. I can’t remember the last time anyone balked at me making the appointment for the following week.
And of course – GoGoDone is all about protected time on your calendar so you can tell people – “I have an appointment then.”
I’m dealing with this right now with a client who was a friend before they were a client. Need to work on not being as available.
Always more difficult with friends, but all the more necessary!
Unless you’re Phoebe, of course. Remember this?
https://youtu.be/n780KlqdEwE
“I wish I could, but I don’t want to” 🙂 🙂
There are so many boundaries some of us are taught to ignore, and they all are invasions of the value and respect of who we are and our health and wellbeing.
You’re so right. I didn’t give enough thought to why we behave like this. In a future post, maybe…
I love it, and I can relate to so much of this! I tend to be transparent for the sake of transparency but if I remind myself that transparency needs to have purpose, and sometimes it’s okay not to be transparent to serve your own need for a reset, that’s totally okay.
Absolutely. I remind myself that even if it does no harm (unlike Angie’s brilliant “compulsive transparency”) the details can simply be a burden to the other person. Often, they have enough on their plate. They only want to know your yes or no, not your why!
I too detest conflict! These pointers (per usual) are so useful and helpful. Thanks, Shlomit!
Yes!! The flip side of the “lie” is what I call “compulsive transparency,” and it can be the downfall of many a boundary. No one needs to know, as you say, how long the commute, what your “errand” really consists of, or what time your kid gets out of school. A quick, “I’m out, see you tomorrow!” is often enough!
OMG! I was totally guilty of “compulsive transparency” for years! What a great name! I felt I had to explain everything and make excuses. Great terminology. I’m going to start using it!