Yes, I’m a people pleaser.
One of my biggest fears is to have someone be mad at me. It gets ridiculous. I can have a 5-minute imaginary discussion with a driver who honked at me. They obviously stopped thinking about me one second after the “Move, bitch!”
Yesterday I got one of the phone calls I dread most: customer retention. I tried to move a savings program to a different financial provider. I hadn’t done extensive research, but a friend recommended the new service, and their results in the last 2 years looked good. I used an online application form. Theoretically, the money should have moved without me talking to a human.
No. My existing provider started sending me screenshots of articles about their performance. I got a couple of texts saying that I should reconsider, and then they followed up with a phone call.
Now, my husband loves arguing with sales representatives. So does my mother-in-law. They’re like hungry hunters, out for justice — or a better deal. To me, any discussion like that is a conflict, a power struggle. When people try to convince me to do something, I feel as if they are physically pushing me. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling for me.
And with it, of course, comes a stress response. My heart starts beating faster, I have knots in my stomach, and my breath becomes shallow.
I told the guy it was a bad time, that I would look at what he sent, and asked him to call again in the afternoon.
That gave me time for some breathing and awareness.
An innercise is to your mind what exercise is to your body.
I used 2 basic innercises:
1. Take 6 Calm the Circuits
2. A-I-A
Take 6 is a classic breathing exercise, like 4-7-8 breathing, or the Navy Seals’ box breathing. They all focus on deep inhalations and full exhalations, to calm the nervous system. Elongating our exhalations signals to the vagus nerve to trigger a relaxation response.
The vagus nerve deserves a post of its own, as it’s often seen as the basis for the “mind-body connection.” It is the longest of the autonomic nervous system, connecting the brain, heart, lungs and digestive tract. Among other functions, the vagus nerve affects heart rate. These breathing exercises all help slow the heart down, and reduce stress-related neurochemicals in our body.
“Take 6 Calm the Circuits” breathing goes like this:
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Take a deep breath in through your nose for 5 seconds
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Blow out through your mouth like you’re blowing out through a straw for 5 seconds, or longer
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Repeat this 6 times, in through your nose, and out through your mouth
After completing “Take 6” and relaxing a bit, go into the second exercise, A-I-A (pronounced “ah-ya”.)
A-I-A stands for Awareness. Intention. Action.
If you practice yoga, meditation, or mindfulness, you’re familiar with this approach. Increase awareness by focusing your attention to your physical responses. Then, focus on your emotions.
Ask yourself:
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Am I calm or am I tense?
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Is my breathing deep or shallow?
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Is my heartbeat fast or slow?
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What am I thinking right now?
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What am I feeling right now?
The exercise clarified that I was afraid of the discussion with the customer retention guy. I resented the fact that I had to look at the numbers and educate myself about the decision, which seemed like a waste of time. Also, it made me feel (again) like a poor steward of my money, about to make a suboptimal financial decision.
Dealing with my finances has pissed me off for years, because I have a math degree, and I really like numbers. But I don’t like statistics, and I don’t like the uncertainty of investment. To me, the whole beauty of math is clarity and determinism!
This awareness was also an opportunity to be kind to myself, recognizing that there are years of negative emotions involved. It gave me an opportunity to forgive myself for any past financial errors and limiting beliefs.
Tip: To put any negativity and self-criticism about your finances in perspective, check out this Forbes article about famous people who went bankrupt and came back...
After becoming more aware (the first A in A-I-A) we come to I – intention. Ask yourself: What is my intention right now?
Is my intention to move forward or is my intention to stay in this fearful state? Most likely, you’ll want to move forward.
My intention was to make a decision about my finances, while being a grownup and not simply screening the rep. (I was tempted, though!)
Then you ask yourself: What is one action step that I can take to move forward to deal with this?
This is the second A, Action.
To me, it was deciding to go through the latest reports from my financial service provider and compare the numbers.
So first, we deactivate the fear response. Then we move into a state of awareness and choice of action. John Assaraf says that the combination of these 2 Innercises can reconfigure the neural networking in your brain around any goal that you want to achieve. Instead of allowing the real or imagined danger to control you, you take one action step in a calm state. This rewires your brain, so that the same reaction doesn’t hold you back anymore.
It’s important to focus on one small action step, because one is easier to accomplish. Yet even that one step means you won, and you are not a victim of your fear.
So what about the savings program? I felt collected during the conversation and had my data. But, Customer Retention Guy surprised me with a 57% discount on my fees. The compound interest should add up over time, but only if the fund doesn’t underperform compared to the other service.
I decided to stay with them for another quarter, and will have to do the math again then. I’m sure I’ll have to go through the entire exercise again if the math will say it’s time to leave!
Aaack!! Breathing in… 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… 🙂
Thank you so much Shlomit! You’ve taught me something so valuable and I was “practicing along” as I read this article. I love how actionable your suggestions are and will be so happy to “report back” when I next practice this skill “in real life”. Hope it’s not because of a negative experience while driving 🙂 – I related so much to your opening story!
yeaaahhhh, I can relate to this too much. Thank you for the exercises. Box breathing has been a staple in my life the last couple of years.
Yes!! Natural vagus nerve stimulation! And Navy Seal sex appeal! 😉
This is such great advice, Shlomit! I’ll be using both of these exercises today!
Yesss!! Let me know how it goes!
I’ve always been jealous of the people who like arguing with sales representatives. The desire to avoid conflict is strong!
Helpful tips for those moments that the conflict can’t be avoided 🙂
I know!!! I’m jealous, too, but marrying one has been a brilliant decision. I’ll do all the dishes in the world in trade for a customer service call…. 😀
What great advice–I, too, can get really worked up by even small unpleasant interactions.
You know what’s worse, Angie? I tend to do the double-downer: after getting worked up, I get mad at myself for getting triggered by small stuff! But luckily this is something I’ve almost completely gotten rid of. Terrible habit!
Really the hardest step for me is to RECOGNIZE I need a process like this! I seem to wander on in self-delusion for way too long before finally owning up to it. But getting to that clear awareness is the super power!
So true! Catching yourself and becoming more aware is so hard, because our mental processes can get SO automatic!
OMG! Totally relate to this Shlomit and absolutely love the 2 exercises taken together. I’m going to use them before I do live presentations. Also going to share with the college kids I coach in case they want to calm their nerves before interviews. 🙏🏼
That’s so cool! Please let me know whether your students found this useful!
This is terrific. Since it’s January, we are doing a lot of this kind of thing -switching home security companies, getting a new washing machine, switching 401K rollover money, reviewing health spending to get reimbursed, so utterly exhausting and yes, stress producing as well. Thanks for the good advice about how to reduce the stress in response to these activities.
You’re so right, Michele. There are definitely times of year when this is more of an issue!
This is great! I love the idea of “Take 6.” I’ll definitely try this next time when I’m triggered.
Do it!!! It really helps.
I am with you, Shlomit! I will do (almost) anything to get out of a conflict. And it DOES feel like physical pushing when I engage in it. Thank you for these helpful tips. I will start using them!
Thanks for this, Viola! It’s so reassuring to know other people share these experiences. #Hug