Of the four elements of mental load – Anticipation distracts you the most.
This post is part 1 of a 2-post series.
I’ve written before about Allison Daminger’s research on Mental Load. (It’s a good post, go check it out if you haven’t read it already!)
New to the concept of Mental Load? It’s an umbrella definition for all cognitive, managerial, planning or research tasks involved with caring for a home or family. When we think of a chore or responsibility, we usually think of the actual physical action, buying groceries, booking a hotel, calling the doctor’s office. But behind those tasks, there is much planning and decision-making that often go unnoticed.
Yet I’ve somehow missed Daminger’s own 2019 Behavioral Scientist article, which describes mind-blowing examples of how mental load is shared in couples. TL;DR: it’s not fair.
At the core of Daminger’s research is the subdivision of mental load into 4 parts:
- anticipating a need,
- identifying options for filling it,
- deciding among the options,
- and monitoring the results.
For example, anticipating could be realizing in January that the kids’ summer camp plans need to be addressed (in a pre-COVID life…) Identifying would be researching several options, reading reviews, asking friends etc. Deciding is choosing among the options, and monitoring is sending in the forms, ensuring payments went through and such.
Even in households where chores and physical tasks are shared equally, Mental Load usually falls on one partner’s shoulders. In heterosexual couples, that’s usually the woman. In Daminger’s research, this was the case in 26 out of 32 different-sex couples. In my decade-long anecdotal research, based on the complaints of my friends, the percentage is even higher… But my male friends who take that role in their households do a great job! Both at managing the mental load, and at complaining about it.
Here is the quote I identified most with, and found most eye-opening (the bolding is mine):
Women were disproportionately likely to take the lead in anticipating upcoming needs and monitoring outcomes, identification work was more often split or shared, and decision-making work was overwhelmingly a collaborative activity
There are a few things that are infuriating to me about this subtle division. It’s nice to be involved in making a decision after someone has done all the preliminary leg work for you. It’s the phase where power over actual outcomes is maintained, and where a partner can advocate for their own preferences. The surprising part is that women who shared decision-making felt that their partners shared their mental load fairly, where it’s actually quite the other way around.
Moreover, while decision-making is often done in conversation, and high-stakes decisions are often postponed to a convenient time, anticipation (realizing that some issue needs attending to) is spontaneous, individual, and can’t be scheduled. This means that not only is the person distracted from whatever they are doing, to log or attend to the need that just popped up in their brain, they also get no credit for the process, because it’s completely invisible.
Perhaps women’s famous ability to “multitask” is just a manifestation of this constant state of distraction. Research is consistent that the brain can only entertain one thought at a time, and you can only multitask tasks that don’t require your attention (like walking, or chewing gum.) But if you’re in an important client meeting and suddenly remember that your kid’s dental appointment has to be rescheduled, then you pay a price.
I dare to say that this fact alone contributes more to workplace inequality than prejudice. I know this sounds like victim-blaming: women don’t get ahead because they’re flaky, distracted, and it’s their own fault. But that’s not what I’m saying. The system is rigged. You can’t give some of the players extra weights, and expect them to perform equally. The fact that significantly fewer men find themselves constantly distracted and overburdened with this type of mental load is an unfair advantage.
Unfortunately, it is not so easy to solve in the workplace, and requires men and women to join forces within their households.
How? We’ll talk about that next week.
Meanwhile, let me know what has worked for you in dealing with anticiaption and distraction!
Photo by Steven Lasry on Unsplash
Great piece, Shlomit! For me, it reminds me of the importance of separating what I can and can’t control. Anticipation and anxiety feel like the same side of the coin. Neither states of emotions can control the outcome but one feels more positive than negative.
I find this type of mental load to be something I’ve accepted without thinking about it. An idea pops into my head – your kids’ summer camp is a great example! – and it doesn’t even occur to me that I should probably share this anticipation load better! Looking forward to part 2.
I actually find that monitoring is the big one for me – perhaps obsessing… But the biggest thing is that I’m working my booty off and it’s invisible. Just the confirmation that YES I’m doing extra work, there’s a reason I’m tired and distracted is SO HELPFUL.
As always, spot on the $$$. I’m the one in my relationship who anticipates, researches, etc. And you’re right it’s that I anticipate and my husband doesn’t that it actually the most infuriating part. It’s part of what makes all this mental load stuff ‘invisible.’
Shlomit, as ususal, it’s like you’re writing about me. Most recently, I have tackled this four-part process with both my husband and my son, getting them involved in every phase of my son’s upcoming college search. (However, I am still the one driving the process–I’m the one who decided we needed to start thinking about it, doing some reading, etc.) To really be successful at turning some of these elements over to others, we have to be willing to truly relinquish it. That’s a real sticking point.