“I suddenly understood the disparity between me and my husband: I am married to a bachelor, while he is married to a single mom!” (Just received this meme…)
You can just hear the snorts as this one makes its rounds, right?
Last week we talked about the tricky way in which mental load differences burden us.
“Mental Load” is an umbrella definition for all cognitive, managerial, planning or research tasks involved with caring for a home or family. To better understand and manage mental load, consider this subdivision of the process. Think of a process like signing your kid up for swimming lessons:
- anticipating a need,
- identifying options for filling it,
- deciding among the options,
- and monitoring the results.
In last week’s post we talked about how anticipation – suddenly remembering that something needs to be done – is most difficult to plan and control and therefore causes distraction and overwhelm. Of the different types of mental load, anticipation and monitoring are the ones that make you feel like you have way too much on your mind.
If you are not a single-person household, I have an entire process for better sharing of mental load. [My new mini-course is coming soon, and you can sign up for the waitlist here, to get your FREE pre-release copy.] But today, I’d like to focus on dealing with the distraction of anticipation and monitoring tasks that come up.
First and foremost, recognize that mental load is real, and the exhaustion that you feel is also real.
Second, have a system for dealing with anticipation- and monitoring-type distractions as quickly as possible. As productivity guru David Allen of Getting Things Done (GTD) tells us, what distracts us most is having an open loop. In order to close the loop, have a system to collect it. It can be as analog or techy as you want.
Focus Work Must Haves
- Keep a notepad or post-it note at your desk, and write down your to-do when it comes up. Don’t deal with it until you’re done with your current task.
- If you use a paper planner, write down your task without being distracted by everything else that is there. Don’t start reviewing your planner.
- Digital planner or calendar, where you can also schedule a reminder for dealing with this lovely new task.
- Some fierce badasses use project management software like Asana or Trello for personal tasks. (If you’re one, please let me interview you! Email me!!)
- Or everyone’s favorite, writing a note on the back of your hand…
The important thing is to have a reliable, dependable process. You will only stop worrying about the new to-do if you trust 100% that you will check the note in time. You have to feel safe to clear mental space for the task at hand. You’ll also save the additional wasteful distractions of re-reminding yourself of items that popped up, weren’t properly recorded and were lost.
(I do feel obliged to say here that the ink will come off after 3-4 times of properly washing your hands. So, either execute quickly, or add a non-washable system as well. Trust me, I’ve researched this extensively. 🤦🏽♀️)
PS – Have a good system for collecting distracting mental load tasks. For more help, my new mental load course is in its final stages of baking – sign up for the waitlist here!
Photo by Jessica Lewis Creative from Pexels
I text notes to myself and then work through the list from time to time
I do that, too!
Love this idea of collecting mental load tasks! Interested in your approaches to delegating and sharing the mental load. And I wonder how one goes about teaching/training ourselves and others to engage in regular practice of pro-actively thinking of new tasks instead of them randomly coming into our minds and adding to our loads.
Can’t wait to check out your new course on mental load!
This couldn’t be more timely–I have colleagues pinging me on all fronts, all asking for different things on various projects! I’m practicing setting aside time for each project, letting people know when that is, so they can hold their questions until I’ve had time to generate an answer. We’ll see if that works!
It should work! Maintain your boundaries and be consistent so people get used to getting answers at your pre-designated times only.
Just love this, all of it. I write stuff down in my planner (paper) as it pops into my head but then sometimes I don’t get it off the paper and onto the calendar…though to give myself credit I’m more effective than I used to be.
Ha! I love the write it on the back of your hand. I still do this today if it’s urgent to get done that day. And I use permanent ink! 😅
Fantastic tips! Thank you. 🙏🏼
This has been HUGE for me. I use the to-do/project management program ClickUp. Whatever system you use, make sure it has an app or can be close at hand at all times. The hardest loops for me to close are because my system isn’t close at hand. I need to bring my phone app into the shower apparently…
I’ll look ClickUp up! Never tried it! Thanks, Heather!
The shower is funny… 🙂 Maybe use a dry-erase marker on the tiles or glass?
Insightful as always, Shlomit. Thanks for giving me something really important to think about.
Hi, Shlomit, thanks for this information. I struggle with a reliable way to collect all the “to-dos” that come up when I’m doing something else. I have a planner and I look at it often…until I don’t. Then I miss stuff. This is all great food for thought. And yes, the back of the hand does work!
Shlomit – I’m living this… and thank you for the great tips!
Oh, these are great tips! And a helpful + timely reminder. I’ve been striving to off-load more of the mental load. And it feels like a tricky balance – how do I let go without taking on the mental load of sharing the mental load? The process is only reliable and dependable if all agree to use it!
It is tricky! Start by having a conversation about what you both care about / only one cares about / no one cares about. It helps see who can take full ownership for what, and what you can just stop doing…